Category Archives: Depression

Abuse & Neglect, Healing, Coping Behaviors, God, love, Depression, Anxiety

OPEN TO LOVE AGAIN

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“Open up to love again.” I heard the request but could not do it. I had too much pain and betrayal from people who said they loved me. Let people love me again? Allow that wonderful feeling of being cared about? I longed for it but had shut it down. I promised myself I would never open that door again.

I knew I would not choose it. Not again. I tried too many times, with each bringing more damage. I put up thicker protection walls keeping me safe and the world out. Why would I choose more pain? But I have learned not to say no to God and trust Him. He wants the best for me. I know this is a healing step, and it was.

To take the step, I asked God to do it in me. I could not change. St. Augustine said the same thing, “Lord, if you command me to do something, please command you to do it.”

My fear kept interfering, working to protect me. As I took baby steps to love again, things happened. I learned more about agape love, the love that wants the highest best for someone. God sent people into my life who did not leave and did not hurt me. They listened, cared for, and prayed with and for me. They loved me in ways I never have been loved. They taught me love by loving me a crushed and broken vessel.

Then another magical thing happened, I started to feel loved and cared about. I began to love myself deeper and not have to pretend. I found more of the real me. It did not happen overnight. I first doubted these fantastic people, keeping them at a distance, getting angry, and isolating myself to avoid being hurt. But the hurt did not come. If there was a disagreement, we talked it out! Boy, that was new to me. God sent me the right people. Thank you, God.

  1. Have you shut down to love. Do you need to become open to love again?
  2. What is scary about loving again? Are you willing to take a few baby steps?
  3. Give the fears to God and ask Him to teach you about agape love.
Abuse & Neglect, Anxiety, Coping Behaviors, Depression, God, Healing, Overcoming, Pain, Protection, PTSD, Rejection, Transcender, Trauma Healing, Uncategorized

PROTECTION AND FEELINGS

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We have been talking about how we protect ourselves. Now, let’s talk about those feelings connected and twisted in us. Our protection system works to keep us protected. It also works to control our feelings from the trauma so we stay in control – anger, jealousy, hurt, abandonment, anxiety/fear, betrayal, etc. Our control works sometimes, but not all time. We may “lose it.”

This losing it is because we have harbored tons of feeling physically stored in neuropeptides. The more trauma we experience, the more we store our feelings stressing every aspect of us – physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. When our feelings have filled our bodies beyond capacity, we may explode. My technique was to slam a door, still like doing it. We must be careful when feeling and releasing our feelings. See the previous post on the three rules.

When we feel, we heal. We must embrace our pain and its darkness and dread and feel them fully. As we do, we find parts of us stored in our many protection layers and see us at different ages. Important memories may surface. Process and feel to heal the memories. You can do it! You have already survived the memory. You are just going back to feel and heal.

God is a terrific help to us heal. Ask Him to help. Ask Him to lift some of the pain. He will. I have been asked why I believe in God, and I answer that He is always there for me, helping me through life. Frank Turek said it well, “I don’t have enough faith to be an atheist.”

  1. What have you done with your feelings? Often they are stored in our bodies where we hurt the most.
  2. What stops you from deciding to feel your feelings fully and heal?
  3. If shame stops you, ask God to heal it in you. Then allow Him to do it.

Please share with others to help them heal. Also invite me to speak!

Abuse & Neglect, Anxiety, Brain and Trauma, Coping Behaviors, Depression, Overcoming, Protection, PTSD, Uncategorized, Victims

PROTECTION SYSTEM EXAMPLES

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Trauma forces us to develop a protection system to help us survive. We use any resources around us to help us to keep safe and not be hurt – people, animals, nature, things, places, and internal walls. We use one or many depending on the situation and become experts using one or many simultaneously.

One of my primary coping skills was to be shy, which I changed when loneliness overwhelmed me. What did you use? Here are some other examples.

  1. Thick, dark internal walls we hide behind.
  2. Addictions – food, drugs/alcohol, material things, relationships, etc. We, humans, can become addicted to anything!
  3. Pride, arrogance –culture, abilities, intelligence, skills, money, looks, etc.
  4. Isolation –social anxiety (shyness), i.e., fear of people.
  5. Strong feelings – jealousy, anger, depression, anxiety (fear).
  6. Pain/Illness –all kinds, even surgeries.
  7. Compensate –being insecure, we know we are not okay, wanted, or good at anything, so we do something to counteract it.
  8. Competencies—good at sports, academics, the life of the party, music, dance, art, etc.
  9. Earth –nature, animals, plants/gardening, astrology, rocks, etc.
  10. Hoarding –anything, and usually connected to grief and fears.
  11. Getting out and staying away, going to other families.
  12. Roles –acting out, gangs, clown, violence, peacemaker, scapegoat, etc., giving us a sense of importance and belonging.
  1. What resources did you have around you?
  2. Make a list of the ways you protected yourself.
  3. How did they work? When did you use them?

Please share these to help others heal. Also, I am a speaker, invite me!

Abuse & Neglect, Anxiety, Brain and Trauma, Coping Behaviors, Depression, God, Healing, Neglect, Overcoming, Pain, Protection, PTSD, Rejection, Relationships, Trauma, Uncategorized, Victims

OUR PROTECTION SYSTEM

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What is a protection system? We create behaviors, thoughts, and feelings to protect ourselves from the pain of trauma and, if possible, from more trauma. When trauma first happened to us, we were defenseless and blindsided. We learn that to survive, we have to protect ourselves.

It is a straightforward equation: more trauma = more protection needed. Other victims understand how much trauma affects every part of us and how desperately we need our protection system to survive.

Sadly, we often have limited resources as children and as adults. We look around and find resources we can use. We become creative and use things, places, animals, people, etc., to nurture and protect us. This is our protection system. Without it, we would be worse off physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. The trauma would devastate us. Sometimes people choose suicide.

The younger and more severe the trauma, the more our brains and personalities cannot develop healthily. We scramble and do the best we can do using anything available. Some will be good and some not so good.

One protection is to develop emotional and behavioral patterns. We can have any or many diagnoses. We can look mentally ill and not be. These can include but are not limited to bipolar, schizophrenia, borderline, etc. Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID, multiple personalities) is one of the ways to cope. It puts memories and feelings in our brains and sometimes even names. These diagnoses, if not inherited, change as we heal or even disappear.

Our protection system contains many techniques which are connected. We use different ones depending on the trauma, available resources, and people or lack of people.

As we heal, they go into storage. We never lose our techniques. Lord forbid, but if we need them, they surface instantly. Examples will be in the next post.

  1. Can you identify any part of your protection system? What?
  2. Do you remember developing them? How do you use them now?
  3. Do you need them anymore? If you do, get help, and get safe.

Please share these to help others heal. I am a speaker, invite me!

 [DL1]

Abuse & Neglect, Anxiety, Coping Behaviors, Depression, God, Healing, love, Overcoming, Pain, PTSD, Rejection, Relationships, Trauma, Uncategorized, Victims

LOVE, WHAT IS IT?

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This question has haunted philosophers through the ages. Kierkegaard said love should focus on the person being loved first and foremost. Martin Buber said love was something more significant than affect – not a static feeling, but a dynamic state of being lived in the present. He also said we look for our soul mate to complete what we lack and silence the deep loneliness and feeling of separateness. Some have defined it as feelings of deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone. With all of these, sadly and strangely, we can end up with throw-away love relationships missing more mature and developing love. Psychology has defined it as a complex emotion involving strong feelings of affection and tenderness for the love object.

I have a different understanding of love. I see love as an ACTION based on decisions we make about ourselves, others, and God. It is a choice of what kind of person we want to be. Nice? Mean? Loving? Bitter? Kind? Caring? Want to make a difference in this life? Or getting and taking everything we can in life? The bottom line is, are we going to love or not? One brings love and hope, the other pain, selfishness, and sorrow.

Love is a choice of wanting the highest level of good for ourselves, others, and the world – physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Choosing to love with agape love makes actions happen for the higher good of all life. Healing is one of those choices. In its highest form, agape love is God’s love which always wants our highest good.

When we love, we gain the following gifts:

  1. It helps release pain and bitterness.
  2. Help others and the world heal and be less violent.
  3. Make a difference and help others to do so too.
  1. What is love to you?
  2. What kind of person have you decided to be?
  3. When did you feel the love that helped you to heal and grow?

Please share these to help others heal. Also, I am a speaker, invite me!