Abuse & Neglect, Coping Behaviors, Healing, Overcoming, Pain, Rejection, Trauma, Trauma Healing, Uncategorized, Victims

Feeling Your Feelings Appropriately

Leave a comment

We learn from our feelings and take their wisdom to help us make good decisions. We never act on our feelings unless we are in danger. Three are rules to feeling your feeling safely and appropriately:

  1. Can’t hurt yourself.

No cutting, hurting, or self-harm in any way.

  • Can’t hurt something alive – plants, animals, and or people.

No hitting, yelling at, or put-downs of people, animals, or plants. You can pull weeds, LOL.

  • Can’t destroy property you don’t want to destroy. Children get you can’t destroy property, or as authority people permit them.

We will have some fear if we haven’t felt your feelings and/or numbed them. With trauma, we often believe our feelings are something to be feared. This lie usually comes from what was done to us or others feeling their feelings. For example, their anger was out of control, and we suffered from it.

Start slowly. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” The question can  be simple, like – ‘What am I feeling when eating something you like?’ Allow yourself to feel those feelings. It is okay not to know the name of the feeling, just feel it. Anger is often a rough feeling because of the trauma connected to it. It is easy to release. It contains physical energy and adrenalin, which must be appropriately physically released to get it out of our bodies. Follow the three rules. I will talk more about it next posting.

  1. Ask yourself, “What was it like to feel it?” did you feel fear with it? If so, feel the fear too.
  2. What were feelings like in the family?
  3. When you were traumatized, what did you do with your feelings? Avoid? Act out? Social anxiety?
Abuse & Neglect, Coping Behaviors, Healing, Overcoming, Pain, Rejection, Relationships, Transcender, Trauma Healing, Uncategorized, Victims

WE CAN HEAL

Leave a comment

We can HEAL!! First, we must make the powerful decision to heal. We make the decision that we are tired of and no longer want the pain, anxiety, and loneliness and choose not to let anything or any person, including us, stop us. If life circumstances interfere, which can happen, we stop and handle the situation and then return to our healing journey.

We must choose to develop every aspect of our authentic self – physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual because we have a mind, body, and spirit, which are all affected by trauma.

Here is the secret:

WHEN WE FEEL, WE HEAL. The process is simple. It is not easy. To heal, we must fully feel all our feelings until we no longer feel them inside us – pain, sorrow, grief, anger, hurt, and fear.

Our feelings accumulate physically in our cells in the neuropeptides because we could not feel them during trauma and had to keep working to survive and keep going. As we feel all the stored feelings, love, joy, and light does come.

All our feelings are wonderful. They give us 30-50% of the information from our world we need to make a good decision. But we NEVER make a decision based on how we feel unless we are in danger.

Our bodies have an excellent healing system given to us by God. When we start to feel, it clicks on and helps us feel even if we do not know how! To heal, all we have to do is to feel the feeling fully and appropriately. God knew we would need this part of our spirituality in this challenging world.

  1. How did you handle your feelings when you were traumatized?
  2. What have you been taught about your feelings?
  3. Are you afraid to feel your feelings?

In the next post, I will share how to feel your feelings keeping everyone safe appropriately.

Abuse & Neglect, Coping Behaviors, Human Trafficking, Overcoming, Pain, Rejection, Relationships, Transcender, Trauma, Trauma Healing, Uncategorized, Victims, War

IN THE BEGINNING

Leave a comment

When do we need to seek the help of a psychotherapist/counselor? When our lives have been hard, painful, and lonely, we can’t work, want to give up, run away from everything, can’t function, sleep all the time, have poor relationships with ourselves and others, and if we become suicidal. (If you are, call for help immediately and call 988.) 

At the beginning of the healing journey, we are scared, sometimes almost to being terrified. Will I find myself? Will I like myself? Am I damaged beyond any hope? But the pain and loneliness drive us forward with fantastic courage with that bit of hope that healing can happen. And it can!

We, not anyone else, must choose the decision to heal. No one else can make the decision, only us. That hope gives us a glimmer that we may have the life we have always dreamed of having. Perhaps we can have friends who do not hurt and betray us. Maybe, just maybe, I can find the real me and like me.

The fear sometimes stops us one, two, or more times. Then we break through and get into psychotherapy and start healing. Please remember this about healing:

  1.  Healing will take the time it needs. Be patient with yourself. Love yourself to health.
  2. Healing follows steps but will be individualized according to your needs and life. You will learn in the journey you can trust yourself more and more. Sometimes we have learned from the trauma we can’t trust ourselves.
  3. We do not need to know how to heal. That is the work and knowledge the therapist has and will guide and teach you.
  4. It is okay to change therapists if the one you have does not help you the way you need. This does not mean they are not good. It means they are the right fit for you. Please don’t therapist hop, going from therapist to therapist. Sometimes this us, us avoiding us, doing the hard work of healing.
  1. Are you tired of the pain and loneliness and ready to heal? Make the phone call to a therapist.
  2. If you are ready but have not called, what is stopping you? Fix it.
  3. Are you doing the healing work of feeling your feelings? Great!
Abuse & Neglect, Coping Behaviors, God, Healing, Overcoming, Pain, Rejection, Relationships, Transcender, Trauma, Trauma Healing, Uncategorized, Victims, War

WHAT DO WE NEED TO HEAL?

Leave a comment

We are mind, body, and spirit and must work to heal all areas of trauma damaged. Trauma can come from a spiritual place such as a church, temple, religious people, cults, etc. Maybe we were physically, mentally, verbally, and/or sexually abused and neglected by parents, relatives, teachers, coaches, neighbors, and “friends,” etc. Sadly, today, people have become victims regardless of age or circumstance.

The trauma we experience may also be generational – trauma runs in our families for many generations. Trauma may be circumstantial, that is, in our particular family, neighborhood, etc. To heal, we must heal in all areas. The following are the areas and how it affects us. We can heal! It is our decision.

Body:

Medical research has documented that trauma affects our physical body function adversely, causing – autoimmune diseases, depression, anxiety, heart disease, long-term chronic diseases, poor concentration, stroke, brain effects, diabetes, etc.

Mind:

Mental and emotional trauma can cause depression, anxiety, flashbacks, hypervigilance, confusion, poor relationships, dissociation, blunted affect, numbness to feelings, exhaustion, agitation, bitterness, long-term grief, etc. This damage then affects all areas

Spiritual:

Our spirituality is the core of our existence. We are spiritual being having a human experience in a hard school called life. So spiritual trauma can cause a lack of faith, destroy hope, create distance /fear/anger at God, feel abandoned and/or punished by God, loss of purpose and meaning in our lives, lose any purpose for living, destroy any power or authority for our lives, develop a poor basis for values and/or goals, loss of direction, cause existential depression, cause damage to relationships, create shame and worthlessness, and leave us with insecurity and low self-confidence.

  1. How were you traumatized?
  2. What effects do you still suffer from the trauma?
  3. What choices can you make for yourself now?
Abuse & Neglect, Brain and Trauma, Coping Behaviors, God, Healing, Overcoming, Pain, Relationships, Transcender, Trauma, Trauma Healing, Uncategorized, Victims

The Trauma Healing Journey

Leave a comment

I invite you to join me on the amazing and freeing journey of healing from trauma. When we heal, we discover ourselves, learn to like ourselves, and find out God has indeed created us wonderfully with many talents and abilities.

Life, before we heal, is often full of pain, anxiety, loneliness, sorrow, etc. We struggle to push through life the best we can. We often end up doing things we don’t want to do and not liking ourselves. Before we heal, we usually have no clue who we are and may not like ourselves. We may have poor relationships, abuse, neglect, addictions, and hurt ourselves and others. We may feel depressed, suicidal, anxious/fearful, bitter, addicted, and life is awful.

The first step to healing is to DECIDE we do not want to live this way anymore and want a better life. We decide to heal from past trauma we have experienced. This may be the first time we have ever focused on ourselves, which can create anxiety even thinking about it. And because of what trauma taught us, we never saw ourselves as worthy or valuable.

The second step is to commit to doing whatever it takes to heal. The journey must have integrity, honesty, and love. We may not know how and for most people, this means finding a trauma psychotherapist who knows how to help people heal. Not all therapists are trained in trauma. Interview them before you hire them.

The third step is to give our healing process all the time, effort, energy, and needed resources – physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual areas. This includes God. God is the ultimate healer giving us the love and strength we need for the journey.

How do if know I need to heal? If you answer yes to most of these, choosing to heal is important for you.

  1. Do you like yourself and your life?
  2. Are you depressed? Anxious? Bitter? Angry?
  3. Were you traumatized?
Abuse & Neglect, Coping Behaviors, Healing, Overcoming, Pain, Rejection, Transcender, Trauma, Trauma Healing, Uncategorized, Victims, War

TO HEAL OR NOT TO HEAL

Leave a comment

When do we need to seek the help of a psychotherapist/counselor? When our lives have been hard, painful, lonely, can’t work, want to give up, want to run away from everything, can’t function, sleep all the time, have poor relationships with self and others, and if you become suicidal. (If you are suicidal, call for help immediately! Call 988.) 

More descriptions of when we need to seek help to heal from trauma:

  1. Depressed and/or anxious for 6 months or more
  2. Feeling worthless and of no value
  3. Constant loneliness
  4. Nightmares
  5. Anxiety/panic attacks
  6. Flashbacks
  7. Grieving beyond the usual intensity and length
  8. Hating ourselves and others
  9. Angry and bitter
  10. Jealous of everything and one
  11. Trauma of any kind can include neglect, poverty, gangs, isolation, scapegoating, war, rejection, etc.
  12. Abused – mentally, physically, emotionally, sexually, and spiritually.
  13. Neglected
  14. Shame filled
  15. Social anxiety
  16. Changing between depression and manic moods
  17. Hallucinations, delusions

Because we hurt, it feels awful being us. We have pain, loneliness, and no hope.  It is time to find a good psychotherapist. In my book, If Marie Did It, So Can I! How to survive, heal and transcend abuse and neglect, I outline how to find a high-quality therapist. You can heal, get out of pain and learn to like yourself.

  1. How many of the above do you have?
  2. How long have you been in pain and loneliness?
  3. Were you traumatized? How?

Abuse, Abuse & Neglect, Brain and Trauma, Coping Behaviors, God, Healing, Masks, Pain, Relationships, Transcender, Trauma, Uncategorized, VIRUS, War

Masks and Racism

Leave a comment

Psychologist here. Well, where are we now? The virus and all its challenges we thought was lifting and we thought life would come to a new better normal. Now, we have riots, racism that has been underground for decades. Now the virus is escalating. Now we have no clue what the politically right words are to use any more.  BUT all of it needed to surface like our trauma that is buried deep in the community so we can heal. Otherwise the darkness and all its pain in world go deep and infect us. This includes hatred, pain, fear and lies to name a few. We have to look at ourselves and see where we can make a difference and change our world.

The damage of racism is deep, old and full of fear. It is a place to put our insecurities, fear, anger, hurt and hatred. When we can blame and dump our stuff on someone else, then we sadly feel better and superior so we don’t deal with our stuff. Repeated thoughts and feelings create permanent neuron paths so racism is usually well entrenched physically in our brains so we have to WORK at changing it. We have to WORK at being kind and caring. My parents were racist due to culture and ignorance. I chose to do better for me and my children which meant I had to change deeply imprinted hate messages to God’s love messages. It took work!

And now to masks which is more complicated than it appears. That tiny mask is loaded feelings, beliefs, thoughts, hurts, sadness and tons of FEAR and ANGER!! We are afraid and angry about ours and the world’s situation. Basically, we can do nothing to be in control or change it, or in our world for that matter, except for the choice to wear or not. Our fear says we have lost control and there is no safe place in the world. Our little mask becomes something we can control. There are many reasons to wear or not so there is constant debate about it.

What is the answer? Feeling our feelings fully and APPROPRIATELY. NEVER act out on your feelings. Never hurt anyone because you are feeling. Seek God. He loves you dearly even if it does not seem like it. He is the only one that can fix and save us and our world. God helps us with the hard choices of choosing to be kinder and reaching out to help others. No laws are going to make the changes we need, only God can save us from ourselves.

 

Abuse, Abuse & Neglect, Coping Behaviors, Healing, Neglect, Overcoming, Pain, Relationships, Transcender, Trauma, Uncategorized, Victims, VIRUS, wholeness

LEARNING FROM THE VIRUS

Leave a comment

The more we are in this time of seclusion the more I am wondering what it is we are supposed to learn.  I am to learn more patience? I personally never wanted to learn it, but God in His wisdom knew I would need it. BUT patience gives us the time to evaluate a situation to make better choices and wait to not act out on my frustration or anger. Actually, frustration is a kissing cousin to anger. We need time to feel our feelings appropriately so we don’t just do what just “feels” right.

I realize this virus is getting to me. I wanted to get rid of something and it was very heavy, took it to the store and found out they would not take it when they usually do! I reacted with I am going to make you feel sorry for me so you will do what I need. Didn’t work. Afterwards, feeling my feelings of frustration and then my need in comparison to keeping the people working safe, my need was not important.

I realize my reaction was a direct connection to the world’s virus. I was and am tired of “putting up with all this.” I want what I want and want it now! This is enough I have tried to kind, patient, sweet, helpful…. I’m done!” Whew! Yup! That is what came and maybe true for many of you. The bottom line was I needed to do my feeling work which has been building in me– the frustration, anger and fear.  Being short with the store person was not okay. He did not need or deserve my reaction and my attempt to get what I wanted. He deserved kindness and understanding.

Most everyone in this world is struggling, hurting and scared at some level, maybe they can’t see even any hope for the future. We need to pull together as a world community. Stop criticizing and help each other. I you don’t like the way something is happening, what can YOU do to change it. Our complaining, being upset, criticizing people from the president on down hurts us and the world. Gratitude, kindness and understanding puts loving and wonderful healing energy into our world. Criticism puts anger, hurt, and fear into this world. So, that is our choice. Which side are you going to be on?

It is a hard time in the world, we are going to get out of it. Yes, our world will be different, it has to be. I have to become more caring, kind, thoughtful and thankful; not angry and spiteful. We have to share and realize we are not going to get our way from politics to a corner store. We have to learn to see the viewpoint from others point of view. To agree to disagree. The hatred in this county is destroying us individually and as a country.

We can all make a difference. Do something to help someone or support the people who are doing something.  We have to pull together, learn and grow. That is what life is, and we grow and learn when we hurt and struggle.

Blessing and safety everyone

 

 

Abuse, Abuse & Neglect, Coping Behaviors, God, Healing, Human Trafficking, Neglect, Overcoming, Pain, Relationships, Transcender, Trauma, Uncategorized, Victims, VIRUS, wholeness

FEAR AND HELP

Leave a comment

For those of us who have been traumatized, this virus may be triggering old fear. We may find ourselves becoming more vigilant and trying to stay safe. Sadly, there is not safe place now, no place to hide or escape to. The virus has permeated our lives from what we do, shopping, relationships, etc.

Before we could sometimes escape, run, hide, stay away; sometimes we just had to endure. Now, with this virus, we are enduring. That creates pain deep inside of us and possibly a panic to run anywhere to escape, but there is no place to go. Which leaves us in the pain and trying to escape it other ways, such as self-harm, drugs/alcohol, hurting others, etc.

I am reaching out to those individuals who relate to the above pain or to those who are caring for them or are in some kind of relationship with those individuals. This is important. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS! Please get help.

If, however, you are in a situation where you or your children are being abused because you can’t get out or away, there is help. Hotlines, police, someone you trust. There is help. Or contact me and I will contact someone to help.

This time is difficult but help is still available.  If you were abused and old memories and feelings are being triggered, surfacing again, call a therapist, a counselor and get going on your healing. Yes, healing is painful, hard and I wish we never had to do it, BUT if we have been traumatized, we HAVE TO HEAL! And when we heal, we find freedom, joy, love and we come to know it wasn’t our fault.  We also discover we like ourselves versus hating ourselves! That is often seen as a miracle. Another amazing thing are the gifts that God gives us when we heal! We always gain wisdom from healing! I love the wisdom! That is special knowledge that helps us get through life.

Please get the help you need. It is available even in these tough times.

Blessings, peace and healing.

Abuse & Neglect, Coping Behaviors, Overcoming, Pain, Relationships, Trauma, Uncategorized, Victims, VIRUS, wholeness

GRATITUDE AND THE VIRUS

Leave a comment

As our battle against this virus continues our situation affects our life situation which affects our feelings, thoughts and mental ability. We may find our thinking becoming cloudy or foggy or we may become depressed. Under all of this is anxiety or fear. The fear may look like irritability, anger, frustration, shortness towards people.

We may have to make calls over and over to reach someone or get a service we were able to get on the first call and did not have to wait for a long time on hold. This is something I struggle with, I just want to make the call, get whatever it is done and go on the next thing. That is not what is happening now. I just had a call hang up on me after waiting a long time. I just wanted it off my list!

Or, as my recent trip to the grocery store proved, I can’t get the brand I want or they don’t even have the item I need, like disinfectant spray. I also noticed that the mood in the store. Most people seemed to be irritable, panicked, and get me out of here fast! We are afraid to get close, not allowed. And with the now mandatory masks we wear that helps keep us safe, we can’t tell if someone is smiling or….

So, what do we do? Medical research says that when we become grateful, thankful our physical brains and the chemistry in our entire body changes for the better! Wow! So, if I am thankful for what I do have and can get, if I become grateful for any brand of the item I am looking for, if I smile with my eyes at someone because I am grateful not to be alone in this virus situation, then I will feel better? YES! That is what research has proved. Not only will we feel emotionally and mentally better, we will also feel better physically better! We will be less tired, less depressed, less anxious/fearful …my entire being – mind, body and spirit will lift.

Another thing that has been proven to help is get outside at least 20 minutes a day. Exercise, walk, bike, garden! The aroma of earth is a natural anti-depressant. There are healthy, helpful bacterial in the soil that helps us when we work in the earth. The sun, even if it is grey out, boasts our trace minerals and vitamins that work to lower depression and anxiety in us. Please also add prayer, talking to someone. If you are stuck at home, then call someone else who is too. So many older people are not able to get out and we can make such a difference by a call. Make a gratitude list and be thankful for all things, it helps just to say the list out loud.

We are going to get through this. The virus will end, we just don’t have an end date. Blessings and safety to everyone.

 

Break Free from Trauma! Be free of its damaging effects! Don't just Survive, Overcome and Thrive! DONNA LAMAR, PhD Trauma Expert SPEAKER, AUTHOR AND PSYCHOLOGIST

%d bloggers like this: