“Open up to love again.” I heard the request but could not do it. I had too much pain and betrayal from people who said they loved me. Let people love me again? Allow that wonderful feeling of being cared about? I longed for it but had shut it down. I promised myself I would never open that door again.
I knew I would not choose it. Not again. I tried too many times, with each bringing more damage. I put up thicker protection walls keeping me safe and the world out. Why would I choose more pain? But I have learned not to say no to God and trust Him. He wants the best for me. I know this is a healing step, and it was.
To take the step, I asked God to do it in me. I could not change. St. Augustine said the same thing, “Lord, if you command me to do something, please command you to do it.”
My fear kept interfering, working to protect me. As I took baby steps to love again, things happened. I learned more about agape love, the love that wants the highest best for someone. God sent people into my life who did not leave and did not hurt me. They listened, cared for, and prayed with and for me. They loved me in ways I never have been loved. They taught me love by loving me a crushed and broken vessel.
Then another magical thing happened, I started to feel loved and cared about. I began to love myself deeper and not have to pretend. I found more of the real me. It did not happen overnight. I first doubted these fantastic people, keeping them at a distance, getting angry, and isolating myself to avoid being hurt. But the hurt did not come. If there was a disagreement, we talked it out! Boy, that was new to me. God sent me the right people. Thank you, God.
- Have you shut down to love. Do you need to become open to love again?
- What is scary about loving again? Are you willing to take a few baby steps?
- Give the fears to God and ask Him to teach you about agape love.