Tag Archives: Victims

Abuse & Neglect, Anxiety, Coping Behaviors, Depression, God, Healing, Overcoming, Pain, Protection, PTSD, Rejection, Transcender, Trauma Healing, Uncategorized

PROTECTION AND FEELINGS

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We have been talking about how we protect ourselves. Now, let’s talk about those feelings connected and twisted in us. Our protection system works to keep us protected. It also works to control our feelings from the trauma so we stay in control – anger, jealousy, hurt, abandonment, anxiety/fear, betrayal, etc. Our control works sometimes, but not all time. We may “lose it.”

This losing it is because we have harbored tons of feeling physically stored in neuropeptides. The more trauma we experience, the more we store our feelings stressing every aspect of us – physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. When our feelings have filled our bodies beyond capacity, we may explode. My technique was to slam a door, still like doing it. We must be careful when feeling and releasing our feelings. See the previous post on the three rules.

When we feel, we heal. We must embrace our pain and its darkness and dread and feel them fully. As we do, we find parts of us stored in our many protection layers and see us at different ages. Important memories may surface. Process and feel to heal the memories. You can do it! You have already survived the memory. You are just going back to feel and heal.

God is a terrific help to us heal. Ask Him to help. Ask Him to lift some of the pain. He will. I have been asked why I believe in God, and I answer that He is always there for me, helping me through life. Frank Turek said it well, “I don’t have enough faith to be an atheist.”

  1. What have you done with your feelings? Often they are stored in our bodies where we hurt the most.
  2. What stops you from deciding to feel your feelings fully and heal?
  3. If shame stops you, ask God to heal it in you. Then allow Him to do it.

Please share with others to help them heal. Also invite me to speak!

Abuse & Neglect, Anxiety, Brain and Trauma, Coping Behaviors, Depression, Overcoming, Protection, PTSD, Uncategorized, Victims

PROTECTION SYSTEM EXAMPLES

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Trauma forces us to develop a protection system to help us survive. We use any resources around us to help us to keep safe and not be hurt – people, animals, nature, things, places, and internal walls. We use one or many depending on the situation and become experts using one or many simultaneously.

One of my primary coping skills was to be shy, which I changed when loneliness overwhelmed me. What did you use? Here are some other examples.

  1. Thick, dark internal walls we hide behind.
  2. Addictions – food, drugs/alcohol, material things, relationships, etc. We, humans, can become addicted to anything!
  3. Pride, arrogance –culture, abilities, intelligence, skills, money, looks, etc.
  4. Isolation –social anxiety (shyness), i.e., fear of people.
  5. Strong feelings – jealousy, anger, depression, anxiety (fear).
  6. Pain/Illness –all kinds, even surgeries.
  7. Compensate –being insecure, we know we are not okay, wanted, or good at anything, so we do something to counteract it.
  8. Competencies—good at sports, academics, the life of the party, music, dance, art, etc.
  9. Earth –nature, animals, plants/gardening, astrology, rocks, etc.
  10. Hoarding –anything, and usually connected to grief and fears.
  11. Getting out and staying away, going to other families.
  12. Roles –acting out, gangs, clown, violence, peacemaker, scapegoat, etc., giving us a sense of importance and belonging.
  1. What resources did you have around you?
  2. Make a list of the ways you protected yourself.
  3. How did they work? When did you use them?

Please share these to help others heal. Also, I am a speaker, invite me!

Abuse & Neglect, Anxiety, Brain and Trauma, Coping Behaviors, Depression, God, Healing, Neglect, Overcoming, Pain, Protection, PTSD, Rejection, Relationships, Trauma, Uncategorized, Victims

OUR PROTECTION SYSTEM

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What is a protection system? We create behaviors, thoughts, and feelings to protect ourselves from the pain of trauma and, if possible, from more trauma. When trauma first happened to us, we were defenseless and blindsided. We learn that to survive, we have to protect ourselves.

It is a straightforward equation: more trauma = more protection needed. Other victims understand how much trauma affects every part of us and how desperately we need our protection system to survive.

Sadly, we often have limited resources as children and as adults. We look around and find resources we can use. We become creative and use things, places, animals, people, etc., to nurture and protect us. This is our protection system. Without it, we would be worse off physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. The trauma would devastate us. Sometimes people choose suicide.

The younger and more severe the trauma, the more our brains and personalities cannot develop healthily. We scramble and do the best we can do using anything available. Some will be good and some not so good.

One protection is to develop emotional and behavioral patterns. We can have any or many diagnoses. We can look mentally ill and not be. These can include but are not limited to bipolar, schizophrenia, borderline, etc. Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID, multiple personalities) is one of the ways to cope. It puts memories and feelings in our brains and sometimes even names. These diagnoses, if not inherited, change as we heal or even disappear.

Our protection system contains many techniques which are connected. We use different ones depending on the trauma, available resources, and people or lack of people.

As we heal, they go into storage. We never lose our techniques. Lord forbid, but if we need them, they surface instantly. Examples will be in the next post.

  1. Can you identify any part of your protection system? What?
  2. Do you remember developing them? How do you use them now?
  3. Do you need them anymore? If you do, get help, and get safe.

Please share these to help others heal. I am a speaker, invite me!

 [DL1]

Abuse & Neglect, Coping Behaviors, Healing, Overcoming, Pain, PTSD, Rejection, Relationships, Transcender, Trauma, Uncategorized, Victims

ACCEPT WHAT WE CAN’T CHANGE

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The Serenity Prayer reminds us to know the difference between what we can and cannot. The healing journey forces us to examine our choices for change in our lives. Here are areas to remember.

  1. We can only change ourselves. We can heal, grow, and change our feelings, looks, clothes, and careers/jobs. We can leave relationships and change our cars, homes, cities, states, etc. It is all about what we can control and healthy boundaries.
  2. We cannot change other people! This is a fact. Too many people, especially women, go into relationships believing because they love someone, they can change them. This happens too rarely.
  3. We can use fear and violence to make someone compliant. Our victims look like they are changing. Actually, they are working hard to have post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
  4. We can help people change with kindness only if THEY choose to change. WE, including me, have no power to change anyone. I am not talking about raising children who need respect and guidance as they grow and learn.
  5. We are limited in changing organizations unless we own them and/or are in charge.
  6. We can work to change our world and make a difference. We can help our corner of the world heal through our actions of healing, kindness, and restoration.

Life is hard and, at times, beyond what we can handle. We struggle to know what to do and change. We must take time to sort out and come to understand what we can and cannot change. In doing so, we find peace.

  1. What part of you or your life can you not change?
  2. What parts of you or your life can you change?
  3. What has it been like when you tried to change something you couldn’t change?

Please share these to help others heal. Also, I am a speaker, invite me!

Abuse & Neglect, Coping Behaviors, God, Healing, Overcoming, Pain, Rejection, Relationships, Transcender, Uncategorized

GOD AND HEALING

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Where does God come into the healing journey? Does He sit in Heaven and just watch us suffer? Does He help? Close His eyes? Pretend everything is okay? Laugh at us? Does God even care at all about us and our desperate need to heal?

Here is what I know. We cannot heal at the deeper levels without God. God walked every suffering, painful step of my healing journey with me. I was never left alone and neither are you. You are His child He dearly loves. He cannot abandon any of us because it is against His rules. He never leaves our side, even though we may not sense Him anywhere near

God gave humans the gift of free will, and sadly, we often choose to use it to do the wrong thing, like trauma and evil. He cries, gets angry, and is sorry we were hurt. God feels everything we feel with us.

When I work with people, I can bring my knowledge, understanding, and compassion as a psychotherapist. I can bring techniques I have learned that help people heal. I do not have psychic powers to heal people. Only God heals. His healing, love, and touch are powerful and specific to each of us and our needs. All we have to do is ask, listen, and follow His leading as we heal.

As a psychotherapist, I could not help people heal as I do without God leading me at every step. God is the healer. If someone tells you they are a healer, become suspicious. God wants to heal and free us with love and peace. God wants our highest good.

  1. Do you believe in God? A higher power?
  2. Do you trust Him? Mistrust Him?
  3. Are you willing to ask Him to help you heal?

Even if you do not believe in Him, He believes in you.  Just ask.

Please share these to help others heal. Also, I am a speaker, invite me!

Abuse & Neglect, Coping Behaviors, God, Healing, Neglect, Overcoming, Pain, Rejection, Relationships, Transcender, Trauma, Uncategorized, Victims

HEALING, IS IT WORTH IT?

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We have talked about healing, feelings, and choosing to heal. The healing journey is not easy. Let’s look at what healing can mean to us:

  1. Freed from pain.
  2. Freed from the pain of being tethered in our bodies. Physical healing happens for some people when we heal emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
  3. Freed to gain joy and have fun in our lives.
  4. Freedom to be who God created us to be.
  5. Ability to accomplish our unique, God-given purpose.
  6. Ability to help others and make a difference in our hurting world.
  7. Gaining wisdom that helps guide us to understand our lives and the world for the rest of our lives.
  8. Freed to love at a higher level in a way we never believed or knew we could love.
  9. We will like ourselves.

When traumatized, we often learn we are not okay and do not like ourselves. We were hurt and created ways to survive, some good, some not caused by the damage done to us. When we heal, we are giving gifts and learn we like ourselves!

Healing is available to everyone, but this does not mean we will be healed of everything. It means we can heal and free ourselves to be the authentic, wonderful, and terrific person God created!

Never give up on yourself regardless of your age, situation, feelings, or what your internal voices tell you. They are from the trauma too. Help you heal; as you do, you will help others because you will have been there!!

Celebrate who you are and everything you have overcome and transcended. You are amazing!

  1. What do you like about yourself?
  2. What don’t you like about yourself?
  3. If you work to heal, do you believe you can change?

Please share these to help others heal. Also, I am a speaker, invite me!

Abuse, Abuse & Neglect, Coping Behaviors, God, Healing, Overcoming, Pain, Rejection, Transcender, Trauma, Trauma Healing, Uncategorized

ANGER! FOLLOW THE RULES!

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We all get angry. I can hit someone or release my anger appropriately. It is my choice what I do with it. My choice is vital! Prisons are filled with people who choose to hurt others with their anger, and many have suffered from it.

Anger is different from other feelings because it has powerful energy and adrenalin. Anger needs to be released physically. Follow the three rules, which is a must. Here are some suggestions.

  1. Find a safe, alone place for you to release the anger.
  2. Never hurt yourself, anything, or one alive. Don’t damage property you don’t want to damage. No yelling, hitting, cursing, throwing, etc., at people. You can do it at things, walls, woods, etc.
  3. Decide how you want to release the anger physically. Walking until we calm down does not release it. Hit, throw, beat up pillows, punch bags, dead trees, waves, scream into water, chop wood, large vegetables, etc. I have a duffle bag and bat to teach anger release in my office.
  4. You may feel silly when you start. Then the anger will come. Work past the uncomfortable part to get to the anger release.
  5. Yell/Scream! We usually were not allowed to have a voice when traumatized. To get our voice back, or for the first time, scream from your gut where the anger is stored. Yelling from your throat can give us a sore throat.

Finding the way that works for you to release your anger may take some time. We all have the feeling of anger, God-given. We can pretend we don’t and may turn it into tears, numbness, etc. All our feelings are wonderful a teaching us about ourselves and our world. What we Do with them is good or bad

Photo by Andrew Beatson on Pexels.com
Abuse & Neglect, Coping Behaviors, Healing, Overcoming, Pain, Rejection, Trauma, Trauma Healing, Uncategorized, Victims

Feeling Your Feelings Appropriately

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We learn from our feelings and take their wisdom to help us make good decisions. We never act on our feelings unless we are in danger. Three are rules to feeling your feeling safely and appropriately:

  1. Can’t hurt yourself.

No cutting, hurting, or self-harm in any way.

  • Can’t hurt something alive – plants, animals, and or people.

No hitting, yelling at, or put-downs of people, animals, or plants. You can pull weeds, LOL.

  • Can’t destroy property you don’t want to destroy. Children get you can’t destroy property, or as authority people permit them.

We will have some fear if we haven’t felt your feelings and/or numbed them. With trauma, we often believe our feelings are something to be feared. This lie usually comes from what was done to us or others feeling their feelings. For example, their anger was out of control, and we suffered from it.

Start slowly. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling?” The question can  be simple, like – ‘What am I feeling when eating something you like?’ Allow yourself to feel those feelings. It is okay not to know the name of the feeling, just feel it. Anger is often a rough feeling because of the trauma connected to it. It is easy to release. It contains physical energy and adrenalin, which must be appropriately physically released to get it out of our bodies. Follow the three rules. I will talk more about it next posting.

  1. Ask yourself, “What was it like to feel it?” did you feel fear with it? If so, feel the fear too.
  2. What were feelings like in the family?
  3. When you were traumatized, what did you do with your feelings? Avoid? Act out? Social anxiety?
Abuse & Neglect, Coping Behaviors, Human Trafficking, Overcoming, Pain, Rejection, Relationships, Transcender, Trauma, Trauma Healing, Uncategorized, Victims, War

IN THE BEGINNING

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When do we need to seek the help of a psychotherapist/counselor? When our lives have been hard, painful, and lonely, we can’t work, want to give up, run away from everything, can’t function, sleep all the time, have poor relationships with ourselves and others, and if we become suicidal. (If you are, call for help immediately and call 988.) 

At the beginning of the healing journey, we are scared, sometimes almost to being terrified. Will I find myself? Will I like myself? Am I damaged beyond any hope? But the pain and loneliness drive us forward with fantastic courage with that bit of hope that healing can happen. And it can!

We, not anyone else, must choose the decision to heal. No one else can make the decision, only us. That hope gives us a glimmer that we may have the life we have always dreamed of having. Perhaps we can have friends who do not hurt and betray us. Maybe, just maybe, I can find the real me and like me.

The fear sometimes stops us one, two, or more times. Then we break through and get into psychotherapy and start healing. Please remember this about healing:

  1.  Healing will take the time it needs. Be patient with yourself. Love yourself to health.
  2. Healing follows steps but will be individualized according to your needs and life. You will learn in the journey you can trust yourself more and more. Sometimes we have learned from the trauma we can’t trust ourselves.
  3. We do not need to know how to heal. That is the work and knowledge the therapist has and will guide and teach you.
  4. It is okay to change therapists if the one you have does not help you the way you need. This does not mean they are not good. It means they are the right fit for you. Please don’t therapist hop, going from therapist to therapist. Sometimes this us, us avoiding us, doing the hard work of healing.
  1. Are you tired of the pain and loneliness and ready to heal? Make the phone call to a therapist.
  2. If you are ready but have not called, what is stopping you? Fix it.
  3. Are you doing the healing work of feeling your feelings? Great!
Abuse & Neglect, Coping Behaviors, Healing, Overcoming, Pain, Rejection, Transcender, Trauma, Trauma Healing, Uncategorized, Victims, War

TO HEAL OR NOT TO HEAL

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When do we need to seek the help of a psychotherapist/counselor? When our lives have been hard, painful, lonely, can’t work, want to give up, want to run away from everything, can’t function, sleep all the time, have poor relationships with self and others, and if you become suicidal. (If you are suicidal, call for help immediately! Call 988.) 

More descriptions of when we need to seek help to heal from trauma:

  1. Depressed and/or anxious for 6 months or more
  2. Feeling worthless and of no value
  3. Constant loneliness
  4. Nightmares
  5. Anxiety/panic attacks
  6. Flashbacks
  7. Grieving beyond the usual intensity and length
  8. Hating ourselves and others
  9. Angry and bitter
  10. Jealous of everything and one
  11. Trauma of any kind can include neglect, poverty, gangs, isolation, scapegoating, war, rejection, etc.
  12. Abused – mentally, physically, emotionally, sexually, and spiritually.
  13. Neglected
  14. Shame filled
  15. Social anxiety
  16. Changing between depression and manic moods
  17. Hallucinations, delusions

Because we hurt, it feels awful being us. We have pain, loneliness, and no hope.  It is time to find a good psychotherapist. In my book, If Marie Did It, So Can I! How to survive, heal and transcend abuse and neglect, I outline how to find a high-quality therapist. You can heal, get out of pain and learn to like yourself.

  1. How many of the above do you have?
  2. How long have you been in pain and loneliness?
  3. Were you traumatized? How?